Ordering a coffee has quite quickly become a 25 words or less competition (regular latte? You win!), and whether you’re just in it for the coffeelings or you enjoy a morning cuppa en-route to your day job, we’re spilling the beans on what your choice of coffee says about you.
You’ve done your fair share of travelling and the little Italian you’re harbouring beneath that Aussie exterior is screaming the bitterer the better. You’re known around town for your brewtal honesty and no one’s got the beans to talk to you before 9am. Mornings aren’t your strong suit because you’re too busy getting your hands on that itty bitty cup of goodness by any beans necessary.
The double shot
You haven’t got time to kill over a weak brew, you need a little fuel for your weekday fire and you don’t give a sip if it’s full fat, skinny or soy. As long as it’s more than the recommended daily dose of caffeine – you’re golden.
The long black
Hello darkness, my old friend. You take your coffee like your soul – black. You don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty because the only positive outcome in that scenario is if it’s got coffee in it. Nothing prepares you for the daily grind like a strong, dark, handsome coffee and you believe anything less is just flavoured sugar milk.
The flat white
You don’t have time for froth in, on or around you cup. You’ve got a Diet Coke in your packed lunch and you’re just looking for a quick hit before you head off for the daily bump and grind.
The almond milk latte
You were sipping coffee before it was cool and you know that lactose is going out of fashion faster than you can say double shot, full cream cap. When you’re not scrubbing coffee beans all over your skin in the shower, you’re most likely consuming them with a splash of $27/kg almond juice. The money you saved thrifting your 70s chic outfits means you’ve got plenty of extra 50c coins to splash about on preferential milk. Good for you.
The chai latte
You don’t realise you’re drinking tea and not in fact, coffee, because you’re too busy posting your latest Lorna gear on your Insta while doing a little Bikram yoga on your organic gym matt and planning a hike. You think every one else is missing out on ‘living,’ but you’re the one without coffee in your cup – let’s do the math, shall we?
You like big mugs and you cannot lie (as long as they’re ¾ full of foam, of course). You never really graduated from cappuccino to real coffee because let’s face it – you’re loving that little sprinkle of choc on top, and not ready to part with it just yet (who would be?). You’re more about the outing than the coffee itself and sometimes you splash out and pop a sugar in that bad boy – go nuts!
You’re pretending to adult. You’re ordering a mocha, so let’s not pretend you’ve succeeded in fooling anyone. You’re not opposed to ordering a lemon, lime and bitters on a girl’s night out (because gin is clearly too strong), and you’re the one in the corner of the table wincing with each of your olive-in-mouth attempts. Our hot tip: don’t go near an oyster – you’re just not ready.
Whether it’s intolerance or health preference, your relationship with decaf is a strong bind of one part placebo effect and two parts sheer willpower. We salute you for your ability to partake in life sans caffeine.
The iced coffee
It’s December and you’re sweating through your eyeballs. You realise this is the most effective rate of coffee intake so you’re sticking with a shot of the good stuff and a cup-ple of ice cubes.
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you’re black, white, tall or short – that brown bean is the hug in a mug you’ve bean waiting all day for.